![]() ![]() You’d think by spending so much time in the mirror adjusting my badge that I’d at least recognize the sponge staring back at me. But keeping pace with the city meant running away from my old self and all the god damn things I enjoy. Yet I’m so committed to preserving any ounce of decency this corrupt city has left that I became a cop and changed my name just to keep up. But Bikini Bottom has gotten worse, much worse. And like any marriage, you stay committed for better or worse. If you said I was married to the city, hell, I wouldn’t deny it. I still pour my heart out for this city and feel the need to protect it. But Bikini Bottom isn’t the happy place it once was. Or maybe when I frequented the Goofy Goober with Patrick, and sometimes Larry on his cheat days, licking alcohol-infused ice creams like partying frat boys. Krabs, annoyed Squidward, flirted with Sandy, boasted in front of Larry, and played childish games with Patrick. Back when a Sponge named Bob wore dorky square pants, sucked up to Mr. ![]() I could start my story at a time you would be more familiar with like five years ago. (record scratch).īut you’re probably wondering how I got here so let’s go back. Funny, that metaphorical lacking is now also literal since I am currently staring at a dark cloudy sky plummeting to my death. He was a good snail that I relied on to keep me grounded. His passing is just another drop in the pool of despair I swim in these days. Maybe I haven’t trimmed ‘cause I’m depressed, or maybe it’s because the urn holding his ashes has yet to pipe up. Gary was always the one to inform me when I needed to clean up my scruff. Growing out my sideburns and five-o’clock shadow used to look good but now my facial hair has grown a little too long. I’m still a square without this expensive apparel but I prefer my body to be tapered down by a classy outfit. It’s just that the pants of my formal fitted suit are tight enough to round my lower corners. I may look a bit rounder than usual and I ain’t talking about the pounds I gained from knocking on alcoholism’s door. At least it HAS been for half a decade now. The French narrator flashed a time card and announced, “Two weeks latair”. Expect seaweed prices to rise over the coming days”. Bikini Bottom and other localities will have to wait till next year's harvest to replenish any seaweed products currently in stock. We have received reports that nematodes devoured all of Farmer Jenkins's seaweed crops. It did not take long for information to spread as a realistic fish-head news anchor broadcasted the situation. “Nematodes are heading straight towards Monsieur Jenkins’s farm. Hungry, Hungry, Hungry”, a bunch of bouncing wormlike creatures chant in unison. From the rolling sea cow pastures to the bountiful crop fields, grocery stores and restaurants alike rely on these farms every year to make profits. “Here we see Bikini Bottom’s lush farms teeming with life.that will soon be killed…to be eaten as food.
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